Keep it together. Breathe. Control.
I kept repeating these words to reign myself in. Don’t act like a maniac. Be an adult. Remember you are a role model.
Role model? No way. Not me.

Maybe you’ve heard these words like I have ‘do as I say, not as I do’. I never liked hearing those words growing up and told myself I’d never say such ridiculous things. Well, here I was.

I didn’t want to be a role model–I wanted to react and not in a good way. Not in an adult way. Definitely not in a Christ follower way!

But a tiny whisper in my head kept repeating ‘they are watching’.

Who is watching? I was pretty confident my children were otherwise occupied and not paying any attention to me.
Who? Others around me? The clerk at the store? The other drivers in traffic? Other parents at my child’s school event?
Many examples ran through my thoughts: all the people I interact with on a daily basis—strangers, acquaintances, friends, family.

I’m the type of action driven, have a plan, stay organized (in theory) and ‘get this done’ type of person. Personalities that are less driven, lack focus or generally more laid back tend to run in direct opposite directions from where I am headed. You can guess the outcome—I get frustrated. Sometimes with valid reasons and sometimes it’s this ‘type A’ personality in overdrive.

I confess my reactions are-well, not something to be proud of some days. But hopefully no one notices, right? They are watching…

So in order to have the best possible care canadian viagra samples look at more info and unparalleled results. cialis for sale canada It transforms thoughts into action and dreams into reality. But if you suffer from any of cialis generic 10mg this indication then you must draw your physician attention to treat the successive bad effects. amerikabulteni.com cialis generika Impotence is a very common problem among most males today. The thought races through my mind again and let’s say I’m not welcome to it. I don’t want anyone to watch my reactions many times. I’m hoping God is busy elsewhere when I’m having one of my ‘less than desirable’ moments. I try to justify myself and say the other person deserves my reaction or it’s not a big deal if I have a meltdown over poorly trained drivers. But someone is watching?

-It could be one of the kids in the back of the minivan who pretends to be reading or listening to music but hears my rant.
-It could be other people in a store who witness my facial expressions of disgust.

But it may just be no one else is around….except Jesus. He sees me. He hears me.
Oh how I wish in those moments I could hit the mute button on myself or rewind and have a ‘do over’ moment.

Ever find yourself feeling this way?

I realize the words ‘they are watching’ means anyone or everyone.
I’m to be an extension of Jesus’ hands and feet yet here I am being anything but a reflection of Him. I hope no once notices my less than stellar behavior. But I know and God knows.
It’s in these moments I have a personal encounter with grace. I don’t deserve it, can’t earn it and sadly don’t display it all the time—but it’s a gift I openly accept. And openly NEED.

Thank you Father for such an indescribable gift.
I have so much to learn of the depth of Your grace and gratefully accept this gift. I pray for your guidance in daily life-since I fall short and they are watching-I want to better reflect You & the role model You have called me to be!

So I was pretty confused, annoyed (again) and generally not in a good place. I got really ‘deep’ with God about some awful choices in my past and asked His forgiveness and a renewed direction. I am happy to say I did feel I was forgiven which is the whole point. I couldn’t wait for this huge burden to be removed from my shoulders. I had been struggling under the consequences of bad decisions and pathetic choices for so long—I was almost giddy with anticipation of being free from all fallout.

Well, I wasn’t free from it. At least not in the way I expected. The consequences didn’t go away. I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more for God to take it away. He didn’t.

Annoyed again, frustrated, confused and feeling a bit betrayed—I didn’t get it. I confessed my sin, sought His truth and asked forgiveness. True that originally I didn’t align my actions with God’s will which is what got me in the whole mess to begin with. The usual ‘I can take care of this’ mentality overrode any sense of ‘wait, ask the Father for His direction first’. It happened and it was so subtle, I didn’t even realize I had jumped forward without first going to God. How can I do that? Aren’t I a believer who trusts Him? How can I jump forward with decisions and actions, dumb ones especially, and not even run to the Father first and foremost with EVERY DECISION first?

I was so angry with myself for being so blind. After much self- beating up, I threw myself before the cross and asked forgiveness for blowing Him off and rushing forward. I knew better and did it anyhow!
Blessedly, He is in the forgiveness business and welcomed me, a sometimes insecure and scar bearing mess, into His arms.

So if I asked and received His forgiveness, why are the consequences of those stupid actions still haunting me? Where is God NOW?

He is here. He is with me. Guiding me.
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It occurs to me that while He forgives, He loves and never leaves me, He never said that forgiveness=no consequences. I don’t know where I started to think it meant that. Somewhere along the path I told myself that if I were forgiven, truly repentant, then God would remove all the consequences and aftermath that goes with poor decisions. Not true. Now what? Where are you now God?
He is here. He is with me. Guiding me.

I was going down a path of doubting God and His promises because He didn’t take away the fallout. Have you ever felt that way?
I confused the thought of having my slate ‘washed clean’ with washing clean any responsibility for my mistakes. I wanted His truth but without the ripple effect of my actions.

While painful to learn, I now understand that it doesn’t work this way: that if we pick truth then maybe we get to avoid repercussions. It’s not either Truth or Consequences-its both. Bad choices usually have backlash and we may have to deal with repercussions. I love that He takes everything and works it in His plan—even the things we do against His will. Thank you Father for teaching and using this to mold me.

Be encouraged: we walk through it knowing we truly do have forgiveness, acceptance and unconditional love. I pray for Your Grace Father while walking this out.
He is here & you are not alone in this.

It may be time for a facelift. Oh yes, my face is showing the years in the mirror as I notice the sags and bags that didn’t seem to be so obvious in the past. But a facelift?
It’s not something I’ve considered for myself in the past but the face staring back in the mirror screams it needs something fresh! Then I go down the thought spiral that it’s not just the physical face I see that needs a tune-up, but I step back and see my whole body. WOW, does it need a bit of a clock rewind as well!

Before I get too far down that road, I try to grab hold of my thoughts–maybe I just need to step away from the mirror and ignore the whole thing, I mean, there isn’t too much I can do about it anyhow–oh, I can follow the healthy lifestyle habits of exercise and eating right but that most likely will not erase decades of life experience.

I’m sensing a humble reality in this-I shouldn’t look like I did years ago. I’m not the same person. None of us who live & breathe are the same people from moment to moment. Each moment we change-sometimes an improvement, sometimes nothing noticeable but sometimes a step in the wrong direction. It’s the wrong direction I find myself visiting too many times. Ever find yourself in this situation?

The wrong directions are detours in our journey. Maybe it’s not a major detour-but a detour in the wrong direction nonetheless. A harsh word, an angry outburst, screams to the kids or thoughts that should never be put into words.

The haggard look in my face may be a reflection of those bad decisions and reactions. I strain to see the laugh lines-oh they are there but I tend to focus on the tired and worn down look more than the evidence of laughter. Why would I do this? Why focus on the negative like sags and bags instead of the positive like proof of laughing?

I drag myself down this road of beating myself up-again. I look rough because of a life of rough times—many due to poor decisions but some dark places are just stops on the path I’ve walked. I tell myself perhaps a facelift is a good idea—to erase all the signs of strain, exhaustion, long & hard days. But will that really make me different? We all know it won’t. I may look different on the outside but really, it’s a ‘perspective lift’ I need more than a facelift.
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I wholeheartedly thank the Father for my blessings. Having experienced some deep waters in life, I admit it has made me more thankful than I ever thought I could feel. I’m sure we’ve all been through some harrowing times. So how do I resolve this facelift concept and longing to not look so…well, bad?

I pray for perspective and one word swells up in my heart: focus. What do I focus on-what should I guide my thougths toward to combat this worn down face in the mirror?! Focus on the things that truly matter-the permanent look I’ll be facing in eternity.
My face is beautiful to the Father. The lines, bags and sags are old and ugly to me. To Him, perhaps these are precious souvenirs of my growth. Sort of a memory book to remember how I grew closer in that struggle, how I discovered His deep love or felt a pinch of the vastness of His wisdom in that instance. Of course, God doesn’t need a memory book but it’s a parallel that helps me to try to understand.

So I forget the facelift. I try to think of the evidence staring back at me as something to treasure and be thankful for. Oh, this will be a daily struggle I know! But to try to focus on the truth and the story behind those lines gives me a better perspective—one of hope, redemption and a future. Oh the face and body don’t look the same as they used to—but I’m not the same person I used to be either (and neither are you).

Thank you Father for not giving up on me during this journey and giving me a fresh & beautiful perspective-even if the face in the mirror doesn’t always show it.

Really?! One more thing!? Lately life feels a bit overwhelming. I can name a zillion little things that make it feel that way but nothing earth shattering. I am amazingly blessed yet still have that overwhelmed and dissatisfied feeling. Have you ever been there?

I am annoyed with myself for feeling this way. So many people have so many huge life issues they are struggling with so I don’t feel I have the right to whimper about my stuff. I recall the scripture in Galatians about being long suffering so I tell myself to pick myself up, dust off those nagging complaints and keep moving forward.

That’s what we’re all doing anyhow, right? Moving forward—some PAUSE moments when we’re sidelined with issues, of course, but still breathing and still moving forward. I mean really, what is the alternative? To stop-stay in place and never move forward?

Some days feel like I’m doing just that: running on a treadmill and never moving forward with ANYTHING. I am gridlocked in a big way.
• Choked with a decision and I don’t know which way to turn.
• Trapped in a financial crisis.
• Confined with a health issue that won’t let me move forward physically.
• Stuck in a relationship conflict–spouse, child, sibling, parent, friend, coworker.

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So what can I do? I move forward. Oh, maybe not forward in a big way–it may just be existing another day. It may be just getting out of bed and doing the daily routines in a robot-like stance. Frustrating to crawl through these times–because I want to embrace each day as the gift it is but I seem to just hit a brick wall sometimes. It feels like everyone is moving and bustling forward and I’m standing in place. I sometimes fake being in a forward motion-when really I’m spinning in a circle.

But Wait-Could these days of the ‘daily grind’ be just that? A grinding of sorts to keep me upright-maybe not as productive as I’d like but upright in some way. A daily routine where the familiar is a huge blessing. Nothing catastrophic which in itself is a blessing? Moving forward to pause–could that possibly be a blessing as well?

I can strive to keep the daily grind going but to settle my heart to pause—even for just a second is a challenge sometimes. I remind myself to trust I’m on a path with a true destination. I may not feel like I’m moving forward all the time and little annoyances are ONE MORE THING I don’t want to deal with.

Maybe it’s the daily annoyances, the daily routines and moments of setbacks that really makes the difference in the end. I can’t see the end of the road but I have to trust the One who has my life in His hands-that He has it all together…working together for a good purpose and not a wasted moment.

WOW…this is truly trusting and not controlling it all. Thank you Father for moving me forward-even if to pause sometimes.

Live like I’m on vacation? WHAT?? How in the world can I do that? I want that!! My dear friend says her life is like being on permanent vacation. This is truly baffling to me. She has issues, problems, joy and sadness like everyone else I know. So how can she say her life is like being on vacation and HOW can I get in on this?

I listen more intently since I know some details about her life and from the worldly perspective, I wouldn’t rush to say she’s living a dream vacation life. Oh, she is immeasurably blessed but not generally by what the world defines as overly abundant.

She describes how going through some of the trials of her life have left her in some deep dark places. I know these are places many of us will never experience in our lives and would never want to. Yet there she is with a joyful look on her face and a peacefulness that is overwhelmingly contagious. HOW CAN I GET IN ON THIS?

Giving a glimpse of a few details of what she calls the ‘Lion’s Den’–some instances in life that would leave many of us in a broken state-she says this is where she found true joy. What?! In the deepest moments of despair and no sense of a way out-she found joy?! As with most situations, we don’t all see it as joy when we’re hanging on for dear life. But looking back, it is walking through these places where we often feel most alone & most desperate that we grow the closest to the Father.

This article will talk about those situations where it is difficult to choose between medications and family expenses such as bills or even clothing. cialis generic free Take closely look at your condition and low cost tadalafil go to see the doctor and do some relative test to find out the root cause of the problem. This can result to a number of medical conditions, such as fallopian tube damage or occlusion, uterine fibroids, endometriosis, ovulation problems, pelvic adhesion, polycystic syndrome, or early stoppage of menstrual cycle. cialis generic viagra Sadly, many purchase cheap cialis men fail to achieve contentment in their life because of erectile dysfunction. At some point, many times it’s after we’ve survived the traumatic experiences, we see something new emerge in us: a deep, quiet joyfulness. Maybe its joy that we survived against all odds. Maybe it’s that we have a different perspective or a renewed sense of thankfulness. For me, many times its just joy that the whole mess is OVER and I’m still breathing.

Then it hits me: it IS like a vacation. A deep vacation of the heart. Not a vacation like laying on a sun drenched beach (that sounds great by the way) but a deeper sense of unexplainable joy of the heart. No one can take it away–it’s too deeply rooted. Oh, it doesn’t mean the details of life are magically stress or problem free. It just means WE are free. Free to truly experience the Father’s protection and power in every fire, stress, mess and detail of ICK we encounter. He shows us His depth of love by taking us by the hand through the trials and celebrating the joys.
Thank you for taking us to a place of true joy Father!

Help us to rest in Your embrace and recognize Your presence even in the fires. I want to live on vacation!

Ever feel like God has let you down?
I have felt He’s not listening, He isn’t in agreement with my prayers, and honestly I’m not too happy with Him at the moment. I know that isn’t something I should feel or say sometimes but that is real life for me. I had been praying and begging for situations to change, for solutions to major issues with no response. I kept asking for things to go away, for God to take this burden off my shoulders and free me from the trauma. Didn’t happen.
Now what? I did what I knew to do- so of course, I ask for others to pray for me. Surely I must have not prayed for the right things or asked in the proper way–so if others prayed for me, one of us would get it ‘right’ and the solution would appear. Didn’t happen.
Some may have wavering faith at this point-but I held fast. I have great faith and didn’t doubt in His existence or His involvement in everyday life. But I did feel let down. Where are you God? Don’t you even care? Why didn’t you fix this situation or intervene with that issue? I’m still here, still struggling and still praying but WHERE ARE YOU? I am waiting for You to swoop down and FIX THIS MESS!? But He didn’t fix the mess.
I had to come to terms with my feelings of anger and rejection. Yes, I felt rejected by God. I knew from all my time with Him and reading of His word that He wouldn’t dump me but it sure felt like it. Many tears and long crying fits with Him as the receiver of my screams still didn’t make the situations disappear. So I sat there wondering what to do next. As I was running through the zillion possibilities of how FIX the situations and the mess, I felt a tug of a whisper “Be Still”. Oh sure, be still when I have all this STUFF I have to handle and now I’m stuck trying to fix everything on my own because I sure didn’t feel God was going to fix anything at this point. “Be Still”. But I don’t WANT to be still…I want action and resolution and I want it NOW. I’m tired and pushed against the wall and need answers NOW.
Be Still
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Well, I know that so this must just be my imagination or something—I know He is God. I already know He has plans and loves me and never leaves me. But maybe in this instance He’s just blowing me off since my situations haven’t changed. Be Still
So I paused…maybe, just maybe I should try it. Be still and quiet down (stop screaming & ranting to Him). I tried it…it didn’t work for the first 10 tries but eventually I pulled myself into a quiet state. I sat alone & tried to silence my thoughts for a moment. This is hard for me-maybe for you too.
After months and years of battling the same issues, I had to stop and get quiet finally. No, the situation hasn’t disappeared. But how I handle it has changed. I would love for it to go away and God to rescue me from it all—but that isn’t His plan. But I trust Him and He didn’t leave me but He is changing me. Slowly. It’s painful sometimes and I get frustrated with the results—but I love that He is working things out in me. Me—someone that He feels is worth the time and effort to slowly mold into someone better. Thank you Father for holding me through these tough situations and letting me scream. I know You still love me and won’t let me go.

Hello!! This is my first blog post ever– thank you for stopping by! This site has taken me a LONG time to create–still obviously in the infancy stage but happy to have this much created.

I’ve felt led to create this for some time but have been fighting, wrestling and whining during this time. The process has been quite an eye opener: Since God is leading me, WHY is this so confusing? Wouldn’t it be an easy step by step instruction from Him? If I’m being obedient in doing this, WHY isn’t it easier and done quickly? Why the obstacles? Shouldn’t He protect me from any uncomfortable obstacles so I can continue with His leading? Doubt creeps in at this point: Maybe it’s not REALLY God leading me since it is taking a long time and not clear cut. Maybe I’m just confused and running down a path that I’m not supposed to journey on anyhow. Maybe I’m wasting all this time & effort and should regroup and do something more familiar than try to create a blog. I mean, I don’t use social media, don’t generally read blogs much less know how to create one–so SURELY God wouldn’t use someone like me to create a blog…there are so many other people who are much more proficient than I am at this!

Time for a breather….looking back on my thoughts: lots of WHY; lots of MAYBE and finally SURELY NOT ME. I have been clinging to a truth lately and realized I have let it slip from me during these thoughts: Cling to TRUTH and not what I feel. Feelings aren’t always truth but the Word of God is constantly, always, 24/7 the TRUTH.
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So I don’t.

Ahhh, how peaceful to know its not all up to me!! Thank you Lord!