This is a confession. I share this in hopes it reaches someone who needs to hear it.               (I am also thankful for preaching from Christine Caine which was the word I needed.)

For some time now I’ve felt I’m being called to do something in the writing/speaking arena. The details are unclear but I’ve been over joyed that God has a plan for me. And to think that it’d be something that reaches others for Him makes me giddy.

But I’ve been a total fool. I ask the Father’s forgiveness. I’ve become so caught in up in the ‘what if’ thoughts that I let it cloud all reason.

I am ready –or so I thought. I wanted the ‘big’ thing I felt God has planned for me. But I let the world influence me to such a point that I missed His guiding. I want it now. I want to do something great NOW. I want to see results NOW.

Then nothing happened so I’ve prayed and cried and whined…’Why the delay God? When will this happen?’ WHY WHEN…repeatedly. I’d become disgusted & depressed. Then I started doubting…God and myself.

Maybe I was just imagining that calling-that overwhelming pursuit that I truly knew was HIM but since it didn’t happen NOW, I started making excuses and doubting. Or worse and this isn’t pretty: I started whining my doubts to God in hopes that He’d act to respond to me.

Sad, I was almost blackmailing God. “Do this big thing for me NOW God or I won’t think You really ever called me”.

Embarrassing to admit and confess this, but it is what it is. UGLY   

I have asked His forgiveness. I also thank Him. Thank Him that it’s obvious I wasn’t ready for any next step—not with that heart. That isn’t a firm foundation…that flimsy self promotion. If the Father had put me forward in a place for reaching others, I would have stumbled and most likely, stumbled horribly.

I need to be His image before I can be His ambassador.
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Yes, we’re all works in progress. But His word warned me, others counseled me and I still cried…WHY WHEN. I was blinded by the ‘now now now’ instant response mentality.
I have a new perspective now. Thank You Father.

I will be in the daily grind, allowing Him to remold, rework and imprint Himself on me as He sees fit. Then, when HE says I’m ready to go forward, He’ll make it happen.
Not me, not manipulating, not controlling.

HIM—He’ll make whatever paths need to be made when He declares its time. Not me.

And really, do we want to be overwhelmed with awesome responsibilities before we’re ready? No, we’d just blow it. And personally, the stakes of being an ambassador for His kingdom is too high for me to be self-consumed.

Thank you Father for your patience and wisdom. Help me to be welcoming to Your work in my heart until the time is right for the next step in my journey.

But how can I ever know what sins are lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Psalm 19:12

You deserve honesty from the heart; yes, utter sincerity and truthfulness. Oh, give me this wisdom. Psalm 51:6

Create in me a new, clean heart, O God, filled with clean thoughts and right desires. Psalm 51:10